The Day I Changed The Way I Pray...

In 2017 when my Son, Alex, was hospitalized with a life-threatening illness, a seizure disorder of unknown origin, I prayed for his recovery.  My God did I pray.  I prayed with every fiber of being.  I prayed with my heart, my soul, physically laying on the ground begging.  Every moment from the onset of first seizure, I prayed.   I prayed as my first born laid in a medically induced coma that God would save him.  I humbly asked for healing.  I bartered. I offered my life in exchange for his. 

As I watched his little body endure seizure after seizure I prayed.  I prayed the way I was taught to pray from the time I was a child.  Asking for God to intervene and spare him.

A few weeks into our ordeal I received a message from a Healer through a friend of mine. The message was, "Stop praying for your Son".  I immediately became angry.  How could I stop praying for my child?  I heard the message and dismissed it.  I felt such anger. How dare someone say that? 

I continued to pray... My way.  The way I was taught.  The begging and bartering way.

The days dragged on and became weeks.  I felt as if I was in some alternate universe. A dream. This could not be happening. My child could not be so close to death.

Three times the doctors came to me and said the outlook was dire.  That I should prepare myself for the inevitable...  That my child could die.

They sent palliative care doctors in to speak with me... To prepare me for what they thought would be the outcome.

I was given a 'sleep room' outside of the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit to go to shower and sleep.  I used the sleep room to pray and speak with God.  The days ticked by.

Three times a day I would excuse myself from Alex's room and return to the 'sleep room' and pray. Aloud.

Something happens when you pray out loud. Hearing your own voice speak to your Creator changes the way you pray.  No longer was I reciting prayers from memory.  They were not the way you were supposed to speak to God.  I began to dialogue with my Creator.  I realized that my begging and bartering was not how 'prayers' were supposed to happen.

During this time, my friend and mentor, an energy worker herself, had come to visit and lay hands in healing on my Alex.  She asked me to join her and not ask God for healing from the Holy Spirit but to just offer Alex love. Something began change for me with those words…not to ask for healing but to offer love … gratitude.  The hands-on healing that day was so different from what I was used to practicing with Reiki or even Spiritual Healing.  We just offered Alex love.

Upon, returning to that 'sleep room' and praying, conversing with my Creator, I realized that I was wrong.  The message I received from that Healer was indeed correct.  I was to stop praying for my Son. I was to stop trying to force my will upon him.  I was to respect HIS journey... whatever my Son's journey was, it was his... and his alone. Not mine. I had to stop trying so very hard to impress my will upon him and the situation.

I remember standing in that room with two thoughts.  One, my God, I am not the captain of this ship... My Son is. It is HIS CHOICE to be healed... and Two, I will no longer beg and barter... I began to speak directly to my Son and offer him Love. 

When I spoke to God, I offered gratitude for having the honor of being my child's Mother.  Gratitude for the twelve years of health that he did have. Gratitude for all the blessings, large and small, that were in my life.

When I spoke to my Son I offered LOVE.  Love for him, his Spirit and physical self. Love for his journey. Love.

No matter his age, Alex’s Spirit needed to be respected for the journey it was on. It was Alex's choice to be healed, heathy and whole.

The day I changed the way I pray everything in my world changed.

I relinquished the illusion of control.  I stopped trying to impose my will upon another... Which might be a tad easier with a friend or relative, but this was with my Son, my child, my first born.  It took all of my strength to stop 'praying' and get out of the way and allow God and Alex to work together for the highest and best of Alex's Spirit, Alex’s journey.  I was to just offer gratitude and love.

In relinquishing control, I found healing for myself as well.

One year ago, on July 2, 2017, my Alex opened his eyes. He is truly a miracle. I know that, but the doctors tell me it as well.

We do not know the cause of his seizure disorder.  What he has been diagnosed with there are 250 documented cases in the world.  From those cases the survival rate is minimal at best.  From research I have found 10 children that have survived.  Five that do not have severe mental and/or physical handicaps.  These children all suffer from seizures.  There is only one that is not afflicted with handicaps or seizures... My Alex.

I am blessed. My heart overflows with gratitude daily.

The messages I would hope to share with you are these;

Dialogue with your God/Creator/Universal Spirit, whatever name you’re comfortable with, question the way you were taught to pray – with reciting and repetition - God is here for you, speak to him as you would a friend.

Respect the journey of those around you. You may not encounter such a serious situation as mine, but, it is worth applying in your relationships with friends and family. We may not understand another's choices... it is not for our understanding... It is their choice, their journey.  Respect it.   

Offer love to those around you.  Be thankful for everything.  Truly. Remain in gratitude and your world changes.

It is in love that I share my journey and that of my Alex with you. 

With gratitude –

Photos of Alexander at home in recovery (2018)